Spring Break 2011

Spring break 2011 was filled with a long list of to-do's...

1. 15 Month Checkup at the doctor

2. Go visit Lila and take her flowers. 

3. Enjoy smoothies and yogurt as often as possible! :-)

4. Try and spend as much time as possible outside.



5. Go to the Botanical Gardens and explore.

6. Celebrate Scott's birthday.

7. Have fun, fun, fun!

8. At the end of the day, get some rest and relaxation.

Our break was filled with lots of to-do's. Lots that were pretty boring so there were no pics available but all in all it was a great break. Griffen and I tried to soak up every minute we could enjoying having Scott home.



What would Griffen say???

"I love my new toy!!"

"I wonder how I could get this thing off?"

"They should have just forgotten the new kitchen set and just gotten me a box!"

"Maybe if I pretend I don't see her she will put the camera away."

"Do you think Dad will mind if I sit in his chair?"

"Darn it...she caught me jumping in my bed again!"

"I love this book!"

Life after...

It's been a little over a month since Lila passed away. Life after losing a child is a balancing act it seems. I feel like we are constantly trying to find our new "normal". Trying to remember Lila and all that she meant to us but still trying to live in the present and move forward. It's not an easy thing to do. At times, I feel guilty when I do cry and guilty when I don't cry. I feel guilty when I do because I feel like I'm not being thankful for the gifts that I do have. I feel guilty when I don't cry because I feel like I'm not mourning her death enough. Such a crazy thoughts that Satan can get into your head. The mourning process is something I'm still learning about and probably won't ever get used to.

On Saturday, we took Griffen to the cemetary for the first time. It hurt to see Scott and him standing by the grave knowing that Griffen would never know his sister. At the same time my heart was rejoicing that he would also never have to see her suffer in this world. I was celebrating knowing that God promises that he will meet her in heaven. Such a comforting assurance!

We went to the doctor on Monday to get my "all-clear" after surgery. Bless her heart, we walked in the door with a list of questions. Anything from why did this happen?, how can we prevent this from happening again?, to when can we have more kids?.....One of the many reasons I love my doctor is because as she walked in with tears in her eyes she said "I know you have a ton of questions for me but I want you to know I'm so sorry." She hugged me and we all started to cry. How sweet is she?! One of the many miracles of the day Lila was born was that my doctor was able to be there. It was such a comfort.....We were blessed to get a good checkup for me. The appointment had been met with such anxiety leading up to it because of all the uncertainty. We left with peace knowing that there is a plan and precautions that can be taken to help monitor future pregnancies.

Overall, the last month has been such a healing process. Healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. God continues to bless us with so much support and prayers from so many. We are continuing to rest in the peace that only He can give.

Ephesians 3:17-19---I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Beauty Will Rise

Every time that I stood by Lila's incubator, I felt helpless. The top was always closed and our physical contact with her was limited. I felt like all I could so was stand by her and pray as I watched her fight for her life... I remember the day I was there and I had to watch them suction her lungs for the first time. Sheer terror and helplessness went through me. Here was my baby girl laying 2 feet away from me and there was nothing that I could do for her. Minutes later after she was stable, the nurses asked if I had been able to give her a kiss yet. They said to come up and I could kiss her on the head. I felt so scared for fear of bumping a tube or messing something up. I kissed my baby girl on the forehead. I will treasure those 2 seconds forever because that was the only time that I got to kiss my sweet Lila while she was alive.

My heart hurts today. I long for my baby girl...to hold her, to comfort her, to love on her. I can't do that though.

I long to look into her sweet eyes and tell her that I'm here. Here to be her mother. Here to wipe away every tear and comfort every hurt. Here to watch her play with her big brother. Here to watch as she walks into school for the first time. I can't do that though.

Right now, I can't do any of those things and it makes me want to scream. Scream that it's not fair that my baby girl was taken from us after 16 days.

All I can do right now is cling to the knowledge that she's with the Lord....He will take care of her far greater than I ever could....And that out of the pain and heartache...beauty will rise.

This morning, I was listening to a cd by Steven Curtis Chapman that my sister-in-law gave us. It seemed that every word of every song seemed to speak to right where my heart is. One particular song "Beauty Will Rise" speaks of the beauty given only from God that will come out of the ashes. Hearing these lyrics comforted my heart when all I wanted to do was fall apart and sit in my sorrow.

It was the day the world went wrong

I screamed 'til my voice was gone

And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain

As we awake it still remains

And sift through the ashes that are left behind

But buried deep beneath

All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes

Beauty will rise

And we will dance among the ruins

We will SEE it with our own eyes

Out of these ashes

Beauty will rise

For we know joy is coming in the morning

In the morning

Beauty will rise

Psalm 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday, Scott and I celebrated our three year anniversary. I am so blessed to call this man my husband. He has taught me so much about myself and love. Through the crazy ups and downs of the last three years, he has walked beside me and I consider that a privelidge.

I love you Scott! Here's to many more years together!