10 Months

1 month...1 month...10 months.

One month to get pregnant with Griffen. One month to get pregnant with Lila. 10 months to get pregnant with baby #3.

What has the last 10 months been like? Honestly? Some of the lowest lows I've had in my life. Scott and I began trying to get pregnant last June as soon as we got the "all clear" from my doctor. Never did I think it would take 10 months.

As each month went by with yet another negative pregnancy test, I had more and more doubt that we would be able to get pregnant. My thoughts ranged from I'm not going to have anymore kids, my body is betraying me,did the infection from Lila's pregnancy hinder further pregnancies, to who knows what else.  I had lots of hard questions for God. The answer that I kept getting was, I am in control. I had to trust in this.

I think the thing that was hardest each month was the reality that we shouldn't be trying to have another baby...we should have Lila. Every month I saw one line on the tests, I was hit with the reality that we had lost our baby girl. It threw me back to square one of grief once again. It was hard. It was lonely. It was dark. It was something I struggled to explain to close friends and even to Scott. I love Scott so much! He walked thirew this each month with me but couldn't quite understand why it was so hard each month for me when we found out we weren't pregnant. Until I was finally able to say "I lose Lila everytime we see a negative test," did he understand.
Since I was young...I never longed to have success in a job, etc....I longed to be a wife and mom. Not that I wasn't content being Griffen and Lila's mom but I longed to grow our family. I longed to see Griffen play with a sibling. To actually know them and not just their name and what their headstone looks like. I want to see them running around together.
We knew our doctor wouldn't do any testing until we had been trying at least a year so we didn't even try that route. However, after 9 months of trying, I went in with Scott for my annual exam and to see what her recommendations would be. We talked in depth with her about our concerns. Knowing our history, she gave the ok to go ahead and begin the steps to infertility treatment.

The tests began with a miriad of bloodwork for me to see if anything odd appeared. Results came back showing that yes I was ovulating and no there weren't any issues that would prevent me from getting pregnant. Next step was Scott getting tested. He got tested on March 15. The next step would be for me to have further invasive testing to see what the issues may be. We had to wait 2 weeks for that testing to be done. After that two weeks, I would either be pregnant or the testing would begin.

Many prayers went out over those 2 weeks on our behalf. The thing is our journey through what we knew of infertility treatments was going to be short and very limited because of expense and insurance so we laid it all at the Lord's feet. Knowing that He could do anything!!

On March 16, I got the surprise of a lifetime...a positive pregnancy test. To be continued!

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! - 2 Corinthians 9:15