Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Iphone Pics Galore

She Knew Me

I saw this sign the other day and my heart melted! Even though it was only 25 weeks in my womb and 16 days on earth...Lila knew my love for her. She heard my heart skip a beat the day we found out she was a girl. She heard my heart speed up everytime I would chase her big brother around the room. She heard my heartbeat slow down a bit on that dreadful ride to the hospital in the ambulance as I was telling myself to calm down. She heard it all! Even though I never got to hold her while she was living, I cherish those 25 weeks more and more everyday. Those were the days that she was as close to me as she'll ever be.

Yes...almost 5 months later life has "moved on" but in my heart it really hasn't. Sometimes I still catch myself rocking in my rocking chair rubbing my stomach unconsciously thinking she's still with me in a safe place. I have to remind myself that she's not there....Scott and I were talking the other night about how your mind can play tricks on you. If a few pictures around the house were taken away, it would be easy to convince yourself that she never was really here. That we don't really have a daughter. I told him though that I'll always be able to know she existed. I have a scar to prove it. A scar that I will cherish my whole life knowing that through that scar, our first daughter was born. A scar that reminds me daily that she lived and she changed my life forever.

So you ask how we're doing....We're doing ok. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days where I dread the thought of moving into this new house because I know that there will be an empty room that should have been Lila's. But there are days where I hold onto the goodness that is our Creator knowing that He is our provider, protector and Savior. Don't get me wrong, I long for the day to hold another sweet baby of ours in my arms. I cherish that thought. And I also cherish the thought that God is holding sweet Lila in His arms right now too.

Pray that God in all his infinite wisdom will continue to guide our family where He wants us to go. Pray that He alone will be our comfort. Pray that if He so chooses more children will be in our future. Pray that we cherish each day that He has blessed us with.

Four months later...

In the months since Lila’s passing, I have run through every emotion imaginable.  The worst seems to be the blind siding of some random thing that springs forth a connection or memory that takes me back to that horrible ride to the hospital.

In the past months, another horrible ride takes place when we go to the cemetery.  I guess this is the time for me when everything hits all at once.  There is usually a lot of anger and hurt that this is our reality.  That is only the journey there.  

In the past visits, the journey there was hard and still is, but once we get there, something changes.  Griffen gets out of the car and runs.  Not to any place in particular, just runs.  As he goes, his squeals and giggles bring so much life to my ears and is so full of joy.  This is what I envision that heaven is like for all of us. Unspeakable joy.  Squealing  and singing, in excitement, songs to the Lord. 

We recently read Heaven is for Real. The story is about Colton, a 3 year old, that told his family about his experience in heaven.  The book brought so much joy to my heart about what Lila is experiencing and what we HOPE to experience as well when we spend eternity with our Father.

As we carry on, the HOPE of our first home is coming to fruition.  It is such an exciting and scary ordeal.  In the midst of all the details that will lead to our closing date, I can't help but to think of our family's future.  There is a room that could have been Lila's.  I think of how it would be decorated with pinks and girlish things that I figured would be our reality and that I have longed for for so long. 

Now, it will be a spare bedroom.  A blank canvas.  White with that essence of that word again, HOPE.

Griffen Jey---18 Months

This is the epitomy of our little 18 month old right now...crazy hair, bruised knees, big smiles and full of life.
Griffen has been such a joy and a challenge lately. 18 months has definitely brought with it more tantrums  and challenges but also hugs and lots of love.

18 Month Stats:
-24.8 pounds
-12-18 month clothes, size 4 diapers
-Sleeping 11-12 hours at night. Still loves his sleep sack.
-Naps: Usually 2 a day still. 1 hr. morning and about 2 hr. in the afternoon
-Cut his paci off of "George" (his monkey wubbanub). Precious sewed a new paci on that was bigger.
-NO MORE BOTTLES! Yeah! With the craziness of the last few months, Griffen's bottles were the last thing for us to be concerned with. The last month though, we finally bit the bullet and even his nightime bottle disappeared.
-Still eating like a champ!
-New words (that I can think of at the moment): "Outside", "Gucci"
-Loves to be outside. Very much looking forward to a backyard very soon!
-Loves the swimming pool again this year. He seems to have no fear so we are thankful he tolerates wearing his swim sweater.
-Every car now has a noise that G makes...It's like noises are engrained in boys!
-Loves to entertain by kicking, jumping and spinning. :-)
-Very affectionate lately. Just started really getting into cuddling and giving hugs. Melts my heart everytime.