She Knew Me

I saw this sign the other day and my heart melted! Even though it was only 25 weeks in my womb and 16 days on earth...Lila knew my love for her. She heard my heart skip a beat the day we found out she was a girl. She heard my heart speed up everytime I would chase her big brother around the room. She heard my heartbeat slow down a bit on that dreadful ride to the hospital in the ambulance as I was telling myself to calm down. She heard it all! Even though I never got to hold her while she was living, I cherish those 25 weeks more and more everyday. Those were the days that she was as close to me as she'll ever be.

Yes...almost 5 months later life has "moved on" but in my heart it really hasn't. Sometimes I still catch myself rocking in my rocking chair rubbing my stomach unconsciously thinking she's still with me in a safe place. I have to remind myself that she's not there....Scott and I were talking the other night about how your mind can play tricks on you. If a few pictures around the house were taken away, it would be easy to convince yourself that she never was really here. That we don't really have a daughter. I told him though that I'll always be able to know she existed. I have a scar to prove it. A scar that I will cherish my whole life knowing that through that scar, our first daughter was born. A scar that reminds me daily that she lived and she changed my life forever.

So you ask how we're doing....We're doing ok. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days where I dread the thought of moving into this new house because I know that there will be an empty room that should have been Lila's. But there are days where I hold onto the goodness that is our Creator knowing that He is our provider, protector and Savior. Don't get me wrong, I long for the day to hold another sweet baby of ours in my arms. I cherish that thought. And I also cherish the thought that God is holding sweet Lila in His arms right now too.

Pray that God in all his infinite wisdom will continue to guide our family where He wants us to go. Pray that He alone will be our comfort. Pray that if He so chooses more children will be in our future. Pray that we cherish each day that He has blessed us with.