Friday, January 17, 2014

All wrapped up in a box....Happy Third Birthday Lila

Three years did that happen? I'm still in disbelief that all the contents, memories, hopes and dreams of my sweet baby Lila are all wrapped up in a box. How is it that possible? It seems like yesterday that we were finding out we were having a baby. And now three years later, we are about to celebrate her third birthday. Three years later, I can still close my eyes and see every detail of that day. I'm thankful for that. The memories, the details, that's all I have of my girl. I pray I never lose that. I pray I never forget the feeling I had when I asked "Is she breathing?" as they pulled her out during surgery. I pray I never forget the look of pride and love on Scott's face as he carried her casket to her grave. Please God never let me forget that YOU were there in those moments.
Love looking through our box of memories and seeing letters Scott wrote. Letters to "sprout" before we knew we were having a girl. Letters to Lila Elizabeth telling her of all the tea parties that we would have. I cherish the scriptures that friends wrote to cover her isolet in the NICU. I cling to the dress that she wore on her last day on earth. Looking through these treasures, makes be long to hold my baby girl and fulfill all the hopes and dreams we had for her. So very thankful that we got to watch her grow and develop right before our eyes for those 16 days. I cherish those days.
Three years has brought so much joy, fear, faith and trust in God. God has continued to show us daily that He will carry us when our strength is weak. He will wipe our tears when we feel we can't go on. He will bless and bring joy in the tiniest of things. He has shown He heals wounds so deep that we don't think can ever heal. So blessed by that knowledge and faith in Him that comforts and heals all wounds. I pray the next three years holds even more trust and dependence on Him. I pray that God provides opportunities to share Lila's story and how God is to be glorified through her life and death.
 Dear Lila,
Oh how I love you! Happy birthday sweet girl. I can just picture the celebration going on in heaven today for you. Know that we are celebrating you today. Griffen can't wait to blow out your candles on your cake and let your balloons go. He's convinced that they will reach you in heaven. Be looking for them today. Crawford will be clapping with all that he has as we sing to you. You are loved and you are missed.
With all my love, Mommy

Saturday, April 14, 2012

"Me, Griffen!"

Just had to document all the funny things Griffen has been saying lately...

Me: Griffen, did you poop?
G: Oh yeah, I did!

As he sees a roly poly outside...
G: Hi roly poly, me Griffen! Sandbox. (Then points to the sandbox to show the roly poly the sandbox)

After Scott sneezed really big...
G: Big bless you, Daddy!

As boys are riding by on their bikes...
G: Awesome!

As ducks are flying overhead,
G: Hi ducks! Me, ride bike!

But my most favorite of all....
Me: I love you, Griffen!
G: I wuv u, Mommy!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

10 Months

1 month...1 month...10 months.

One month to get pregnant with Griffen. One month to get pregnant with Lila. 10 months to get pregnant with baby #3.

What has the last 10 months been like? Honestly? Some of the lowest lows I've had in my life. Scott and I began trying to get pregnant last June as soon as we got the "all clear" from my doctor. Never did I think it would take 10 months.

As each month went by with yet another negative pregnancy test, I had more and more doubt that we would be able to get pregnant. My thoughts ranged from I'm not going to have anymore kids, my body is betraying me,did the infection from Lila's pregnancy hinder further pregnancies, to who knows what else.  I had lots of hard questions for God. The answer that I kept getting was, I am in control. I had to trust in this.

I think the thing that was hardest each month was the reality that we shouldn't be trying to have another baby...we should have Lila. Every month I saw one line on the tests, I was hit with the reality that we had lost our baby girl. It threw me back to square one of grief once again. It was hard. It was lonely. It was dark. It was something I struggled to explain to close friends and even to Scott. I love Scott so much! He walked thirew this each month with me but couldn't quite understand why it was so hard each month for me when we found out we weren't pregnant. Until I was finally able to say "I lose Lila everytime we see a negative test," did he understand.
Since I was young...I never longed to have success in a job, etc....I longed to be a wife and mom. Not that I wasn't content being Griffen and Lila's mom but I longed to grow our family. I longed to see Griffen play with a sibling. To actually know them and not just their name and what their headstone looks like. I want to see them running around together.
We knew our doctor wouldn't do any testing until we had been trying at least a year so we didn't even try that route. However, after 9 months of trying, I went in with Scott for my annual exam and to see what her recommendations would be. We talked in depth with her about our concerns. Knowing our history, she gave the ok to go ahead and begin the steps to infertility treatment.

The tests began with a miriad of bloodwork for me to see if anything odd appeared. Results came back showing that yes I was ovulating and no there weren't any issues that would prevent me from getting pregnant. Next step was Scott getting tested. He got tested on March 15. The next step would be for me to have further invasive testing to see what the issues may be. We had to wait 2 weeks for that testing to be done. After that two weeks, I would either be pregnant or the testing would begin.

Many prayers went out over those 2 weeks on our behalf. The thing is our journey through what we knew of infertility treatments was going to be short and very limited because of expense and insurance so we laid it all at the Lord's feet. Knowing that He could do anything!!

On March 16, I got the surprise of a lifetime...a positive pregnancy test. To be continued!

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! - 2 Corinthians 9:15

A Positive Test---I'm Pregnant!

On March 16, we found out that baby #3 was on their way!

Scott and I had agreed that I wouldn't take a test until Saturday morning, March 17. Little did he know, I had other plans. I was going to dinner with a friend, Connie on Friday night. I thought, why not, the test will be negative again (we've had 10 months of negative tests), I'll just take a test at her house. Thinking that it would never be positive! Somehow there was still a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind, so if I was pregnant I wanted to be able to surprise Scott that night.

I took a test when I got to her house and then we just sat there looking at each other as we waited the 2 minutes to see the results. After 2 minutes, I walked into the bathroom and was 100% shocked! Connie couldn't believe it either. She kept asking are you sure 2 lines means your pregnant?!

After the shock wore off, we began the plan of how to tell Scott the exciting news. We stopped at a new shop that several friends had recommended and went on the search of something to make the big reveal to Scott. We found a frame that said it all..."The Lord has done great things for us...our hearts are filled with joy." Perfect way to tell Scott!

We went to dinner and reveled in the news. After dinner we headed back to Connie's house to write in the frame of the good news. I wrote "for this child we prayed, November 24, 2012." Before I went home to Scott, sweet Connie sat and prayed with me over our sweet baby and the pregnancy ahead.

I got home to Scott with his presents (his birthday was the next day), a cupcake and the frame. He pulled the frame out of the bag and I could see his eyes scanning the words. He read the bottom first and then I could see that he was reading the big news....As soon as he read it, his eyes welled up with tears. He didn't stop crying for 30 minutes. This is a moment that I will never forget!

We are so thankful that sweet baby will be here around Thanksgiving! Definitely something to be thankful for!!

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? - Isaiah 43:19

This is my prayer through this pregnancy...that the fear of the past, infections, premature labor, NICU will not be my focus. But that I will treasure each day God gives me with my three children. That I will savor every moment that this sweet baby is inside me. That I lay this baby at God's feet knowing that He is good, what He does is good and that He knows the number of our days.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Happy birthday Lila!

January 17th we celebrated Lila's first birthday. I still can't believe that it's been a year since I was being toted to the ER for the delivery of our 25 week old baby girl. How is that possible?

I can still close my eyes and be back on that day, January 17, 2011.
the breakfast I had, eggo waffles and chocolate milk
what I was wearing when Scott told me to lie on the floor so that the contractions would slow down
the paramedics repeatedly asking me if I was 25 weeks pregnant
telling myself that my baby would not be born in the ambulanace
the look on my doctor's face when she realized that I was the one that was going into labor
the looks of concern, pity and haste on the nurses faces
the way sweet Lila looked on the nurses iphone pic so I could see her before she changed hospitals
realizing that I had just joined the ranks of so many parents of micro-preemies

I can truly close my eyes and be back on that day and remember every detail. The thing is, i wouldn't change that for a second. As crazy as that day was, it is my baby girl's birth story. A story that I will hold dear to my heart until I die. Thankful for the story that began the life of our sweet Lila. A story that changed our lives forever.

Fast forward a year...a year of tears, grief, milestones and challenges.
For Scott and I both, this was such a crazy day to plan. We knew we wanted to honor our baby girl and celebrate her short life but how do you do that? No one tells you how to prepare for a day like this.
We decided to do what we knew best...pray and read scripture. The day turned out to be freezing so it was a short and sweet tribute to our girl. Scott read scripture and prayed as our parents and Griffen stood near.

Happy birthday, sweet Lila!

Satisfy us in the morning with yoru steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all your days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil. Let yoru work be shown to yor servants; and your glorious power to their children. Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of your hands!--Psalm 90