In the months since Lila’s passing, I have run through every emotion imaginable. The worst seems to be the blind siding of some random thing that springs forth a connection or memory that takes me back to that horrible ride to the hospital.
In the past months, another horrible ride takes place when we go to the cemetery. I guess this is the time for me when everything hits all at once. There is usually a lot of anger and hurt that this is our reality. That is only the journey there.
In the past visits, the journey there was hard and still is, but once we get there, something changes. Griffen gets out of the car and runs. Not to any place in particular, just runs. As he goes, his squeals and giggles bring so much life to my ears and is so full of joy. This is what I envision that heaven is like for all of us. Unspeakable joy. Squealing and singing, in excitement, songs to the Lord.
We recently read Heaven is for Real. The story is about Colton, a 3 year old, that told his family about his experience in heaven. The book brought so much joy to my heart about what Lila is experiencing and what we HOPE to experience as well when we spend eternity with our Father.
As we carry on, the HOPE of our first home is coming to fruition. It is such an exciting and scary ordeal. In the midst of all the details that will lead to our closing date, I can't help but to think of our family's future. There is a room that could have been Lila's. I think of how it would be decorated with pinks and girlish things that I figured would be our reality and that I have longed for for so long.
Now, it will be a spare bedroom. A blank canvas. White with that essence of that word again, HOPE.