I realized last night after reading back through several posts that I mentioned several times how much Lila's life had taught me. I realized too that I never really put into words what it was that I'd learned. In her short 16 days, she taught me so much....here are just a few:
-To have faith---My faith grew so much from the time I started having contractions on our bathroom floor to the months after her death. All I could rely on was God! I knew that as smart as her doctors were, no matter how many medical breakthroughs had been made for preemies, no matter any of the circumstances, God was in control. Her birth, life and death, rocked my world! All I could do was sit back and have faith and confidence that God was in control no matter the outcome. That is not to say that my faith wasn't shaken everytime the phone rang with a call from the doctors but her life truly taught me all I have is Christ and my faith in Him and Him alone.--My faith grows everytime I trust Him knowing that He knows what the future holds. He knows whether my body can handle more pregnancies. He knows what's best for our family. Because I know that He's bigger than any infection, anything!
- To love---My love for Scott grew ten fold through the life of Lila. Never will I forget the calm husband that I saw walk into our bathroom on January 17 telling me it was going to be ok (as he brings in towels and a shoe string to prepare to deliver our baby). I never want to forget what it was like to be held by him as we sobbed in the hospital's chapel as we mourned what "could be." My love for Scott grew everytime he would gently hold my hand as we walked into the NICU daily. Don't get me wrong, the last 7 months have been the hardest times in our marriage too but my love for Scott and the man that he is has never waivered.
-To let go---If you know me at all, you know I'm a little OCD! :-) I'll admit it. I like things planned out and lined up. Lila's life taught me that none of that matters. I had to admit that I couldn't do it all. I had to step back and let others help me, with my recovery, with Griffen, with mourning. That's been hard and 7 months in it's still hard. I like to do things myself and for everything to be under control. Once again, my sweet girl taught me that it's ok to ask for help and to accept help when you don't even know you need it!
-To hold tight to family and friends---Scott and I couldn't have gotten through the last 7 months without friends and family. Looking back now, I'm still overwhelmed by the outpouring of love, prayers and support that our family received. Our families were with us every step of the way. For that I'll always be grateful! Our church family loved us beyond what we could have imagined. They knew our needs before we ever anticipated what we needed. Even complete strangers showed us love in so many ways. Through Lila's life, I hold onto everyone a little tighter and appreciate relationships so much more.
-To pray---The last 7 months have brought me to my knees so many times. My hope is that that continues. I want to continue to pray not for my will or my agenda but truly God's will. I want to continue to fervently pray for my family and friends knowing that He holds us in His hands.
-To desire more children---Some have asked if Lila's death has made us hesitate to have more children. Her life has done just the opposite. We long for more children, in His timing. Don't get me wrong, another pregnancy will be a test of faith and prayer daily. Our hearts long for more children. We are just praying that God blesses us with more.
Those are just a few of the things our sweet girl's life has taught me. I pray that I continue to grow in my faith and love through the memories of her life!
If mourning and dancing are part of the same movement of grace,
we can be grateful for every moment we lived. We can claim
our unique journey as God's way to mold our hearts to greater
conformity to Christ. The cross, the primary symbol of our faith,
invites us to see grace where there is pain; to see resurrection where
there is death. The call to be grateful is a call to trust that every moment
can be claimed as the way of the cross that leads to new life.