Iphone Pics Galore

She Knew Me

I saw this sign the other day and my heart melted! Even though it was only 25 weeks in my womb and 16 days on earth...Lila knew my love for her. She heard my heart skip a beat the day we found out she was a girl. She heard my heart speed up everytime I would chase her big brother around the room. She heard my heartbeat slow down a bit on that dreadful ride to the hospital in the ambulance as I was telling myself to calm down. She heard it all! Even though I never got to hold her while she was living, I cherish those 25 weeks more and more everyday. Those were the days that she was as close to me as she'll ever be.

Yes...almost 5 months later life has "moved on" but in my heart it really hasn't. Sometimes I still catch myself rocking in my rocking chair rubbing my stomach unconsciously thinking she's still with me in a safe place. I have to remind myself that she's not there....Scott and I were talking the other night about how your mind can play tricks on you. If a few pictures around the house were taken away, it would be easy to convince yourself that she never was really here. That we don't really have a daughter. I told him though that I'll always be able to know she existed. I have a scar to prove it. A scar that I will cherish my whole life knowing that through that scar, our first daughter was born. A scar that reminds me daily that she lived and she changed my life forever.

So you ask how we're doing....We're doing ok. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days where I dread the thought of moving into this new house because I know that there will be an empty room that should have been Lila's. But there are days where I hold onto the goodness that is our Creator knowing that He is our provider, protector and Savior. Don't get me wrong, I long for the day to hold another sweet baby of ours in my arms. I cherish that thought. And I also cherish the thought that God is holding sweet Lila in His arms right now too.

Pray that God in all his infinite wisdom will continue to guide our family where He wants us to go. Pray that He alone will be our comfort. Pray that if He so chooses more children will be in our future. Pray that we cherish each day that He has blessed us with.

Four months later...

In the months since Lila’s passing, I have run through every emotion imaginable.  The worst seems to be the blind siding of some random thing that springs forth a connection or memory that takes me back to that horrible ride to the hospital.

In the past months, another horrible ride takes place when we go to the cemetery.  I guess this is the time for me when everything hits all at once.  There is usually a lot of anger and hurt that this is our reality.  That is only the journey there.  

In the past visits, the journey there was hard and still is, but once we get there, something changes.  Griffen gets out of the car and runs.  Not to any place in particular, just runs.  As he goes, his squeals and giggles bring so much life to my ears and is so full of joy.  This is what I envision that heaven is like for all of us. Unspeakable joy.  Squealing  and singing, in excitement, songs to the Lord. 

We recently read Heaven is for Real. The story is about Colton, a 3 year old, that told his family about his experience in heaven.  The book brought so much joy to my heart about what Lila is experiencing and what we HOPE to experience as well when we spend eternity with our Father.

As we carry on, the HOPE of our first home is coming to fruition.  It is such an exciting and scary ordeal.  In the midst of all the details that will lead to our closing date, I can't help but to think of our family's future.  There is a room that could have been Lila's.  I think of how it would be decorated with pinks and girlish things that I figured would be our reality and that I have longed for for so long. 

Now, it will be a spare bedroom.  A blank canvas.  White with that essence of that word again, HOPE.
 
-Scott

Griffen Jey---18 Months

This is the epitomy of our little 18 month old right now...crazy hair, bruised knees, big smiles and full of life.

Griffen has been such a joy and a challenge lately. 18 months has definitely brought with it more tantrums  and challenges but also hugs and lots of love.

18 Month Stats:

-24.8 pounds

-12-18 month clothes, size 4 diapers

-Sleeping 11-12 hours at night. Still loves his sleep sack.

-Naps: Usually 2 a day still. 1 hr. morning and about 2 hr. in the afternoon

-Cut his paci off of "George" (his monkey wubbanub). Precious sewed a new paci on that was bigger.

-NO MORE BOTTLES! Yeah! With the craziness of the last few months, Griffen's bottles were the last thing for us to be concerned with. The last month though, we finally bit the bullet and even his nightime bottle disappeared.

-Still eating like a champ!

-New words (that I can think of at the moment): "Outside", "Gucci"

-Loves to be outside. Very much looking forward to a backyard very soon!

-Loves the swimming pool again this year. He seems to have no fear so we are thankful he tolerates wearing his swim sweater.
-Every car now has a noise that G makes...It's like noises are engrained in boys!
-Loves to entertain by kicking, jumping and spinning. :-)

-Very affectionate lately. Just started really getting into cuddling and giving hugs. Melts my heart everytime.

Home Inspiration

So with the dream of us getting a house just around the corner....I have been on the search for some decorating inspiration. The living room, kitchen, and breakfast room are the main areas that will see change from our current style. Just ready to make a few key changes that will make a bigger impact. I've told Scott it will be like Christmas once we finally get in a house since we still have some wedding gifts that are never used and still in the boxes. I'm really looking forward to laying out all the many decor things we have and changing things around and making everything new and fresh. Here are a few ideas I've come up with so far....(know that they may completely change by the time we make it into a house :-)

We will be slipcovering our couch with a cream fabric that has some texture on it. I'm wanting the couch and curtains to be solid and neutral so that it's easier to change the pillows for a quick update down the road.

Cutting Corners---Dazar Red---Pillows on Couch, Breakfast Room Valances

I'm loving this fabric! It is just so cheery. It is completely different than what we have but still in the same color scheme. Loving the red background.

Cutting Corners---Burlap Natural---Curtains in Living Room

I'm really looking forward to using burlap in the room. I've been seeing it everywhere in lots of designs so I'm excited to jump on the bandwagon. I'm also wanting to use it as accent pillows on the couch (maybe with a painted S on the pillow?)

Ballard Designs---Laney Indoor/Outdoor Rug (in black though)---Living Room Rug

I love the design on this rug (or something similar). With the other black accents in the room, I think it would go well but still be neutral enough.

Ballards Designs---Bee Pillow

I like this pillow just for the fun of it. Thought it would bring in more of the black and even the golds that I like.

Ballard Designs---LeMans Counter Stools---for the breakfast bar

I'm so looking forward to having a breakfast bar at a house. Can't wait for Griffen to be sitting there coloring as I cook. Fun to dream isn't it?!

Pottery Barn---Burlap Shade Pendant Light---Over Breakfast Bar

Once again, loving the burlap. I think these would be easy to duplicate. I'd want to look for inexpensive lighting and then redo the shades with leftover fabric from the curtains.

Pottery Barn---Aris Pedastal Dining Table

I like the look of the cream table and black chairs. Easy to duplicate with the table/chairs we already have.

No I won't be getting all of this any time soon but it's fun to dream and get inspiration. I like the look of all of these things so I'm excited to see how I can take this inspiration and make it my own for our home. I'm looking forward to the challenge of seeing how I can use what we already have and making the look the same as some of these things. I'll keep you updated with before and after pics!