Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It's been a little over a month since Lila passed away. Life after losing a child is a balancing act it seems. I feel like we are constantly trying to find our new "normal". Trying to remember Lila and all that she meant to us but still trying to live in the present and move forward. It's not an easy thing to do. At times, I feel guilty when I do cry and guilty when I don't cry. I feel guilty when I do because I feel like I'm not being thankful for the gifts that I do have. I feel guilty when I don't cry because I feel like I'm not mourning her death enough. Such a crazy thoughts that Satan can get into your head. The mourning process is something I'm still learning about and probably won't ever get used to.
On Saturday, we took Griffen to the cemetary for the first time. It hurt to see Scott and him standing by the grave knowing that Griffen would never know his sister. At the same time my heart was rejoicing that he would also never have to see her suffer in this world. I was celebrating knowing that God promises that he will meet her in heaven. Such a comforting assurance!
We went to the doctor on Monday to get my "all-clear" after surgery. Bless her heart, we walked in the door with a list of questions. Anything from why did this happen?, how can we prevent this from happening again?, to when can we have more kids?.....One of the many reasons I love my doctor is because as she walked in with tears in her eyes she said "I know you have a ton of questions for me but I want you to know I'm so sorry." She hugged me and we all started to cry. How sweet is she?! One of the many miracles of the day Lila was born was that my doctor was able to be there. It was such a comfort.....We were blessed to get a good checkup for me. The appointment had been met with such anxiety leading up to it because of all the uncertainty. We left with peace knowing that there is a plan and precautions that can be taken to help monitor future pregnancies.
Overall, the last month has been such a healing process. Healing physically, emotionally and spiritually. God continues to bless us with so much support and prayers from so many. We are continuing to rest in the peace that only He can give.
Ephesians 3:17-19---I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.