Thursday, February 24, 2011

Beauty Will Rise

Every time that I stood by Lila's incubator, I felt helpless. The top was always closed and our physical contact with her was limited. I felt like all I could so was stand by her and pray as I watched her fight for her life... I remember the day I was there and I had to watch them suction her lungs for the first time. Sheer terror and helplessness went through me. Here was my baby girl laying 2 feet away from me and there was nothing that I could do for her. Minutes later after she was stable, the nurses asked if I had been able to give her a kiss yet. They said to come up and I could kiss her on the head. I felt so scared for fear of bumping a tube or messing something up. I kissed my baby girl on the forehead. I will treasure those 2 seconds forever because that was the only time that I got to kiss my sweet Lila while she was alive.

My heart hurts today. I long for my baby hold her, to comfort her, to love on her. I can't do that though.

I long to look into her sweet eyes and tell her that I'm here. Here to be her mother. Here to wipe away every tear and comfort every hurt. Here to watch her play with her big brother. Here to watch as she walks into school for the first time. I can't do that though.

Right now, I can't do any of those things and it makes me want to scream. Scream that it's not fair that my baby girl was taken from us after 16 days.

All I can do right now is cling to the knowledge that she's with the Lord....He will take care of her far greater than I ever could....And that out of the pain and will rise.

This morning, I was listening to a cd by Steven Curtis Chapman that my sister-in-law gave us. It seemed that every word of every song seemed to speak to right where my heart is. One particular song "Beauty Will Rise" speaks of the beauty given only from God that will come out of the ashes. Hearing these lyrics comforted my heart when all I wanted to do was fall apart and sit in my sorrow.

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed 'til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake it still remains
And sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will SEE it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

Psalm 30:5 "For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."


  1. Praying for you, my friend. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

  2. Hang in there, sweet Becca! God is holding you in His hands - even when you're on your knees in tears!
    Love you, friend!

  3. I am always afraid to say anything when it comes to my pain because I don't want to take away from anyone else's pain at all but I really want to share Raynee's story with you. It was 7 years ago today I lost my Raynee. She was just a few weeks old like your Lila and I too treasure every moment I had with her. Even if it was changing her diaper. She was born at Harris Methodist January 20, 2004. She weighed 15.7 ozs and was 10 1/2 inches long. I remember the tiny cry I heard when she was born and remember asking if it was her because I was told she would probably not cry. When they wheeled her away she was kicking her arms and legs and they said she seemed to be doing fine. We had our ups and downs, the roller coaster they call it. She had some of the same problems has Miss Lila and that was what was so hard to hear and made me pray even harder for you, for Scott, and for Miss Lila herself. Raynee's ventricles were dilated also, the hole in her heart that was supposed to close after birth would not close and her bowel perforated requiring drain tubes. I remember getting to give her a bath with cotton balls and sterile water on Valentine's day and even though I was happy I got to do it, it made her her so mad! Even time I would stop washing her and go back after another cotton ball she would fall asleep and I would wake her up again and she would get so mad. The nurses called her Miss Tude because she didn't like to be messed with and would give us some of the worst looks. When we were able to hold Raynee after she had passed she like Lila has.......

  4. sort of a peaceful grin on her face. It gave us peace. Knowing that she was no longer suffering and was with our Lord. I'll admit it though. Even though you have peace you can still have moments of why. Why Raynee? Why Lila? It's not that you ever want something bad to happen to someone else's baby it's just you don't understand right now why God chose Lila to only live 16 days. It's okay not to understand right now. You will one day. Whether it is 6 months from now, 2 years, 10 years or when we get to go to heaven. I can tell you I see now in hindsight the mighty work God did through Raynee's little life. She gave me the parents I never had. I was never close to my parents. I had never prayed with my parents until that little baby was born. I grew closer to my family and through her they were able to find God. To feel His presence in her life and their own. Through witnessing the miracle of her life people I knew came to know the Lord. Losing her and my son Jack made me appreciate Sydnee that much more. When God brought her into my life I loved her that much more. Losing her prepared me for losing my husband to. I learned that there are worse things than dying when you have Jesus Christ in your life. I just want to say I don't know the biblical things to tell you to comfort you or help you with your pain but I can tell you from experience the pain will lessen in time but you will never forget your sweet girl or the effect she had on your life or your relationship with your son and your husband. You will always love them that much more because of your loss. People are going to say all the wrong things and some will hurt you but just tell yourself, they don't know what to say, they don't know any better. I heard, "God knew she would just be too sick for you to take care of her," or "You can always have another one." These just made me mad. I thought, "I could have taken care of her! I don't care how sick she would have been." and "I don't want another baby, I wanted Raynee!" I joked that I would write a book on what not to say to someone that has lost a child. Anyways I have rambled and rambled now so I'll quit now but I just wanted to share with you a little bit and tell from someone that was in your place just seven years later, I feel your pain and I am truly here for you, Scott and Griffin. If you need anything PLEASE ask. I'm not going to reread this because I'll probably just delete it all so I apologize for all the grammatical errors. Love y'all. Alicia Dunn

  5. Beautiful post. Praying for you and your sweet family.

  6. Keeping you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this and allowing the body of Christ to walk with you along this journey. Love you all!