Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day 17---God Chose Me
Yesterday, my sweet baby girl, Lila Elizabeth, went to be with her Heavenly Father. She is dancing in heaven with a perfect little body, with no tubes or pain. That's the picture that I want to keep in my mind. That's the picture that I will hold dear to my heart until I get to see her again.
The last few days I haven't been able to write because I feel like I had let Satan's doubts and fears creep into my heart. Doubts about my strength of being Lila's mom. Doubts of how good of a mother could I be if I couldn't even hold her, why hadn't I had an instant connection with her, why my body wasn't able to carry her to term....All doubts straight from Satan.
Through all of this, God has become more and more real to be daily. I woke up this morning and all I could think was "God chose me." God chose me to be Lila's mother, even for 16 short days. God chose me to carry her for 24 weeks, 6 days...days that I will cherish forever. God chose me to be the first one to change her diaper (other than nurses). God chose me to give her her first kiss and first bow. God chose me to hold her for the first time just moments after she took her last breaths. God chose me to tell her all of the hopes and dreams that I had for her. God chose me to hold her close to my heart, wishing that I could never let her go. God chose me to hand her to her nurse for the last time, knowing that I would never see her earthly body again. God chose me to be her mommmy. God chose me to dance together with her in heaven. No one, not even Satan can take that away from me.
I'm standing firm in that today.....God chose me. As much as I don't want to walk down this road, this road of grieving and loss, God chose me. He chose me to proclaim His name and His goodness even through my pain. He chose me to sing His praises knowing that my baby girl is with Him.
John 16:33---I have said these things to you, that in me you may have PEACE. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart; I have OVERCOME THE WORLD!"