Yesterday, my sweet baby girl, Lila Elizabeth, went to be with her Heavenly Father. She is dancing in heaven with a perfect little body, with no tubes or pain. That's the picture that I want to keep in my mind. That's the picture that I will hold dear to my heart until I get to see her again.
The last few days I haven't been able to write because I feel like I had let Satan's doubts and fears creep into my heart. Doubts about my strength of being Lila's mom. Doubts of how good of a mother could I be if I couldn't even hold her, why hadn't I had an instant connection with her, why my body wasn't able to carry her to term....All doubts straight from Satan.
Through all of this, God has become more and more real to be daily. I woke up this morning and all I could think was "God chose me." God chose me to be Lila's mother, even for 16 short days. God chose me to carry her for 24 weeks, 6 days...days that I will cherish forever. God chose me to be the first one to change her diaper (other than nurses). God chose me to give her her first kiss and first bow. God chose me to hold her for the first time just moments after she took her last breaths. God chose me to tell her all of the hopes and dreams that I had for her. God chose me to hold her close to my heart, wishing that I could never let her go. God chose me to hand her to her nurse for the last time, knowing that I would never see her earthly body again. God chose me to be her mommmy. God chose me to dance together with her in heaven. No one, not even Satan can take that away from me.
I'm standing firm in that today.....God chose me. As much as I don't want to walk down this road, this road of grieving and loss, God chose me. He chose me to proclaim His name and His goodness even through my pain. He chose me to sing His praises knowing that my baby girl is with Him.
John 16:33---I have said these things to you, that in me you may have PEACE. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart; I have OVERCOME THE WORLD!"
This is beautiful. When you said God has become more real to you, it made me think of the verse in Job when he says, "My ears had heard of you, but now I have seen you with my own eyes."
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family.
even now i pray josh 1:9 over you - be strong and courageous. do not tremble or be dismayed. the Lord YOUR GOD will be with you wherever you go.
ReplyDeleteYES, becca - HE CHOSE YOU. and my heart has been changed. i am so grateful.
Praising God for His beautiful TRUTH that conquers satans lies.
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I came across your blog by accident... or by God guiding me to it. My baby girl, Paige, went to be with Jesus on January 4 after three miraculous days on this earth. Although we each have our own pain, please know I am praying for your strength. I believe that our baby girls were much too precious for this earth. I take comfort in that and I hope you do to. I share with you a short poem a friend shared with me right after Paige went to Heaven...
An angel with the book of life,
wrote down Lila Elizabeth Stepter's birth...
(January 12, 2011)
and whispered as she closed the book...
"too beautiful for earth."
(February 2, 2011)
Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat with someone who is feeling similiar pain. My heart goes out to you and your husband.
Marissa
marissag7@hotmail.com
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you tonight. And I am lifting you and your family up before our Lord that He would continue to wrap you up in His love and that He will continue to assure you of the great love He has for all of you. We lost our son Samuel when he was stillborn at 40 weeks. I am familiar with the journey that you are now on... it is long, hard, full of questions, and much love and thanks for the precious gift God gave to you.
I wanted to mention the infant loss support group MEND. We have a chapter in Tulsa and I am pretty sure that there is one in the Dallas area. This was a life line for me that first year and still now over 2 years later. It was so nice to meet and be with other moms and dads who could relate to our loss and pain. I am praying for you Rebecca... email if you ever need to...
gshintz@yahoo.com
Sara
I love you dear friend. It is a privilege to walk this road with you, Lila's mommy. I am thankful for the ways you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable and to embrace the heartache while also acknowledging the beauty that is Heaven, where Lila and Charlotte know no more pain, no more tubes and best of all know our JESUS!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am anxious with you for that Glorious Day when we too are with Jesus:)
He did choose you, and for that I am thankful.
ang
Rebecca, this post is beautiful. The picture is beautiful. Lila is beautiful!! How comforting to know she will never have to experience the pains of this earth. Prayers are covering you and Scott. We all love you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Becca for sharing all of this, all of you and all of God's blessings. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteI came to your page via Kelly's Korner. Just want you to know that I'm so sorry for your loss & the pain you and your family are feeling at this time. Prayers are being said for peace for you all.
ReplyDeleteCame across your blog from Kellys. Wanted you to know I am praying for Gods grace and peace over you and your family! God DID choose you for such a time as this! May you find rest and comfort in the shadow of HIS wings. Danielle. . . .trustinhim10@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleterebecca-
ReplyDeletethis is so beautiful. such a beautiful display of the hope we have in Him. our hearts our broken for you guys-we are praying for you.
jen
Rebecca I am here for the first time from Kelly's blog. Just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your family. May He alone carry you through this pain and use this for HIs glory. Romans 8:28
ReplyDeleteOh Rebecca, you are such a blessing to me and to all those around you. You are so quick to give the Lord glory and praise. Your obedience to Him and your graciousness are so inspiring and such an example to others of how to walk with the Lord. I am praying for you and your family daily that the Lord will be near to you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I lived down the street from Scott and Sarah in Grapevine. We weren't close, but we did carpool together a few times. I recently reconnected with Sarah on Facebook and I heard about you and your family, as well as your blog, from her. My heart and prayers go out to you and Scott. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. God bless you and your family!
ReplyDeletePlease accept our sincere condolences. Our thoughts are with you. Love, the Morrisons.
ReplyDeleteRebecca,
ReplyDeleteYour Lila was welcomed into heaven by my Elizabeth, who lived 13 days until her poor little body gave out.
We, too, had an older child, and he was much of the reason we were able to get out of bed every morning -- we simply had to.
Miscarriage and infant loss are things that I don't completely understand. I hope that you can just hang on to the truth that God will be glorified in all things. We are almost 2 years out from our loss, and i still have to remind myself of this when I mourn for our precious baby. Your Lila was created for an eternal purpose -- to bring glory to God. She has the privilege of getting to be in his presence before any of us. Visualizing her sitting in her Heavenly Father's lap, cradled in his arms, rejoicing with the saints is something that really got me through.
Hang in there. Hold tight to your husband and your son.