Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day 12---Humbled by God's Goodness
The past 24 hours have taken me to the lowest moments of the past 12 days and the highest moments. Yesterday morning, we had a conversation with Dr. N about the severity of Lila's state. We were informed that depending on how things progressed in the next 12-48 hours, we would need to change our course of care for her. All of this meaning, if things didn't improve we would begin to make her comfortable and the doctors care would change. We would be able to hold her and just love on her the last hours of her life. How do you process this as a doctor is telling you this about your 11 day old baby? How do you think about planning a funeral for your baby that you've never even seen her eyes? How do you tell your son when he gets older that he never got to know his sister? How do you look at your husband and try to make the hurt go away in his eyes? These were just a few of the questions that flew through my mind as we were having this conversation with the doctor.
For some reason, through this conversation, one thing that my mind kept going back to was "I want a bow for my little girl. She's never even had a bow." This is the strange lengths your mind goes to as you are being told your child may only have hours to live. That was the mission of the day, to get our sweet girl her first bow. Looking back, I think it gave me something to focus on for a bit rather than the gravity of the situation. Mom was able to find some ribbon and I made a bow sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital. When I asked the nurse if I could put it on her, she asked no questions. It's as if she understood. This grieving mother needed her baby girl to have a bow no matter how long or short her sweet life would be. In that moment, putting a little pink bow on Lila's fragile head, I felt like I had a daughter. A daughter that I pray will one day play dress up, will love her dolls, will walk down the aisle on her dad's arm and who will be an answer to a prayer of mine since I was a little girl.
By God's grace, that was yesterday's conversation. Today's conversation was a complete 180 from that. In the doctor's words today "she is a completely different baby than the one that I saw yesterday." Her "procedure" that they did yesterday on her intestines is working. Her blood pressure and all her levels were stable throughout the night. Her coloring is better. She's a fighter, I like seeing that she gets agitated when we mess with her....These are just a few things that Dr. N said to us this morning along with we are now going "day by day with Lila right now, not hour by hour." I've been waiting to hear her doctors say that for 12 days!! Yes, I'm realistic. I know that we may get to a point where we are hour to hour again but for right now we are day by day! Praise the Lord!!
So right now as I get ready for bed, I can rest in peace knowing that yet again God's healing hand is being made evident in the life of my daughter....AND.....she's wearing her purple bow that matches her purple flower bedding that the nurses insisted on her using so she coordinates. It's a good day!
Ephesians 2:10---For we are HIS workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.