Today was a really rough day. This is part of the roller coaster ride that they were talking about that we are now on. I really liked being at the top of that ride and not the going downhill part. As I've been reminded though throughout the day, "my grace is sufficient for you. My power made perfect in weakness."
We got to the hospital and was greeted by Dr. K with the update on Lila's brain scans. Scott and I thought we had prepared ourselves for a negative result to the scan but nothing really prepares you for bad news. The scans came back saying both brain bleeds are now a grade 3 (4 being the worst). The doctor said that she was really thinking that they would be worse than they were. A blessing to hear....Through the discussion and after looking at the scans, we were told that Lila's motor functions could be compromised because of the things going on with her brain. This rocked our world! We know that only by the grace of God and his miraculous works, will our sweet girl not have lifelong complications but we don't really want to hear it.
To get some time to ourselves to process all of today's news, Scott and I went to the chapel to pray. Never before have I felt closer to my sweet husband as I did in those quiet moments together as we sobbed for our sweet girl. So many questions ran through our doubtful minds. If Lila lives, what will life be like for her? Will she be able to run around chasing Griffen? Will she be able to enjoy life's simple things? Will she be able to walk down the aisle on Scott's arm? What is God's plan for our sweet baby girl that I haven't even got to hold yet? Too many questions for my mind to process or even comprehend.
I kept being reminded of the verse that even when we have no words the Spirit groans on our behalf. I had no words to express to God. He knew my heart without me saying a word......It's amazing how God brings laughter to shine a light on dark times. As we were sitting there praying, praising God and crying, a hospital employee walked into the chapel. She went to the end of the row of pews where we were sitting and picked up a stuffed animal. There was a big basket of random stuffed animals sitting there (still not sure what for). As she picked it up, she must have hit the music button on the toy....The toy proceeded to sing "Wild thing you make my heart sing! You make everything groovy. Wild thing, I think I love you!" Scott and I just looked at each other dumbfounded! She even stood inside the door of the chapel for it to stop singing before she walked out. When she left, we looked at each other and just burst into laughter. Thank you Lord for laughter!!
Through the prayer and the tears, all we could come back to was God is good. He knows the plans he has for Lila. He promises us that goodness and mercy will follow her all the days of her life. He promises that he is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask for or imagine. All we can do is stand on these promises and not sit in the doubt and fear! As a sinful human, that is so hard. So hard not to live in that fear of what the future holds.
We returned to the NICU and were met by our nurse Ginger and another nurse. Ginger told us the other nurse Susan was part of the PIC team that had put Lila's new PIC line in yesterday. Susan said that it had gone well. She said she was looking for a vein in Lila's arm to put it in but was having problems finding a good one. Susan said she looked down at Lila's foot and a huge vein popped up in her foot!!! We told her that's what we had been praying for, for the vein to be evident. She said "Your prayers worked. The vein popped right up and I ws able to get the line in with no problem." God is so good!! These miracles are what I'm clinging to as we walk this road.
Another blessing that capped off an emotional day was Lila began getting feedings of my milk again. The first two feedings were unsuccessful. Her blood pressure and oxygen levels were all over the place after the feedings. Her body was taking the blood away from her heart and lungs to her stomach to process the milk.----They tried another feeding at 6 pm after getting her levels regulated. She was able to take 2mL of my milk without her blood pressure and everything going crazy!! Such an answer to prayer.
Through the roller coaster of the last 10 hours, I'm even more confident that God is working great miracles in the life of our sweet girl. All glory is to Him! Thank you for your continued prayers. Continue to check Lila's facebook page for medical updates from Scott. I'm not good at articulating the medical jargon.---Thank you.