I will carry you....these are the words that I'm clinging to right now. Only God can carry me through this. As much as I want to deny that my sweet baby girl is gone, I know that I must go THROUGH this and not around this. That has been my defense mechanism for 31 years, to numb and deny the things that I didn't want to deal with. I know that I have to walk through this, to honor Lila and to honor God. I know that only His grace and His love can get me out of bed in the morning when all I want to do is sleep. He carries me. I take comfort in that every moment. I had peace today walking into the NICU today to get some of Lila's things knowing that she was sitting in our loving Father's lap and not hooked up to tubes in the incubator. That peace has got to carry me through this because I can't do this on my own. Like Scott said at the memorial service, on my own I'm a mess sobbing on the floor but with God I'm able to walk through this giving Him the glory.
Through conversations with many people the last few days, I've realized I'm not mourning what was but what would have been. I'm mourning the sweet things that only a mother/daughter relationship can fulfill. The tea parties, the pedicures, the shopping trips....these things are gone but so much more has been gained. Through the life of my sweet, innocent baby girl lives have been brought back to Christ, prayer warriors have been on their knees, and Christ has been glorified. What more could I ask for?
Scott and I had a long conversation with our pastor on Friday concerning how we wanted the memorial to be. I remember telling him that I was so humbled by the huge number of people praying for our family and our Lila. He asked "Why is that so humbling?" I remember thinking that was such a crazy question. After thinking for a few minutes, I responded that I was humbled because "I was just a mother praying for the life and health of her baby girl. Who was I to ask or deserve the prayers of thousands?" I don't deserve the prayers that were lifted up by so many for Lila but God did it anyway. And in turn glory was brought to Him, which is all that I could ask for. Now that's humbling!
Here's a song by Selah that speaks to what I'm feeling. It was written by one of the members who lost their baby, Audrey. They wrote this song after she passed away.